How To Stay In Love From 4 Couples Who Have Been Married 50+ Years

Photo by Brett Meliti on Unsplash

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is harder.

You’ve probably heard dozens of stories of how people fell in love. Every time someone gets engaged, we ask for the story and the more details the person can share, the better. But if I asked you to count the number of couples you know who have been married for over 50+ years, you probably could do it on one hand.

I tend to agree with people who say that love is mysterious. There are no limits on love. It has the power to break all barriers and it can find anyone at any time. That’s why falling in love isn’t as uncommon as we believe.

But staying in love? That’s where the real treasure is found.

We live in a culture that often tells us to love when it’s convenient. This same culture tries to sell us a version of love that is fixated on what we can get while diminishing the reality of what we can give away.

This simple shift creates fractures in how we express and experience love, ultimately leading to circumstances where staying in love isn’t worth the pain or the price we believe it is costing us.

Nobody falls in love expecting and planning for it to one day end. And yet, every year, hundreds of thousands of couples find themselves falling out of love and as a result, stopping their involvement in the long-term commitment of love.

True love is meant to be long-lasting. It’s meant to be forever, and that’s not just a fairy-tale word. Love, in its full power, is meant to be unstoppable, unbeatable, and unshakeable. Once we fall in love, we are meant to stay in love.

But how do we do that? We learn from the few examples of people who have modeled that kind of consistency and commitment over the long haul.

ABCNews put together a series of interviews with four couples that each have been married for 50+ years and asked them for their greatest pieces of advice.

Here are their answers for how to stay in love.

Limit the arguing

At the time of the interview, Sammie and Macie Waller had been married for over 75 years. When asked, their secrets to creating and keeping a lasting love were shockingly simple.

Sammie was quoted saying:

We don’t do a lot of arguing. We try to get along most of the time and we got along pretty good. We do things together.

While it sounds easy, don’t move past his words too quickly.

I’m not a fan of the theory that you should never argue in your marriage. I just don’t think that is very realistic. It’s okay to argue and it’s okay to get angry or upset. That’s human nature, and in a lot of ways, it can show that you are invested and interested in the relationship.

But where arguing and anger can get tricky is when you allow them to linger. When arguing lingers, it turns into bitterness. When anger lingers, it turns into contempt.

Notice that Sammie didn’t say to eradicate arguing, just that they don’t do a lot of it. They limit their arguments. If you are going to stay in love, you have to come to grips with the fact that not everything is important enough to argue over.

Create a companionship

When interviewed, Frank and Thelma Hoffman had been married for just over 67 years. While they also pointed out the importance of limiting the level of arguments over time, their big piece of advice centered around the importance of companionship.

This is what Thelma said when asked what her advice was to younger couples:

“Make sure — besides loving one another — that you are compatible and you’re willing to give and take.”

Frank would go on to describe that compatibility as creating a companionship. To do this, you have to spend time together. You have to pursue each other's interests and be curious about what the other person likes.

One of the things I’ve learned over the last 5 years of being married is that you don’t have to be passionate about your partner’s hobbies but you do have to appreciate them.

Most people view love as a raging fire. When you view love as a bright and burning flame that is nearly impossible to quench, you’re really talking about infatuation.

A love that stays and lasts over time is like the red embers at the bottom of a fire. That’s where the real heat is. That’s what comes overtime with a real and authentic companionship.

Trust in each other

From Orlando, Florida, James and Virginia Wilson had been married for 61 years at the time of their interview. They both spoke of loving parents that modeled great examples of faithful and fruitful love.

Even if you didn’t grow up with a great example of consistent love, you can still build a love that lasts by putting the Wilson’s advice into practice.

When asked, James said:

“”Trust in the Lord and trust in each other. And try to do the right thing all the time. The wrong thing is the more attractive thing, so be careful.”

There are few things more important to staying in love than developing a deep and firm foundation of trust.

Trust is what helps you overcome insecurity. Trust is what unlocks your willingness to be vulnerable. Trust is what helps restrain you from temptation and what fights back against false assumptions and expectations.

If trust is missing, so is safety. If safety is missing, so is vulnerability. Without these things, lasting love is near impossible.

You build trust by listening. By showing up. By following through on your word and by assuming the best in the person you love. You build trust over time, with effort and intentionality.

Trust is built over a decade but can be broken in a day. As James said, the wrong things are often the most attractive, so if you want to stay in love, be trustworthy.

Foster a sense of humor

Rounding out our four expert couples is John and Betty Mattocks who had been married 51 years at the time of their interview. You could tell by listening to them that this was a couple of knew how to have fun.

This good-sense and joy turned out to be their secret to staying in love.

Betty described it best when she said,

“You have to have a sense of humor and not take things too seriously … also keep communication open.”

To which John quickly replied, “I would say exactly the same thing.”

Life and all of its responsibilities can feel weighty. It’s easy to get caught in the gravity of serious, grown-up details and burdens. But when it comes to long and successful marriages, the trick is to know how to pull the emergency brake and release some pressure.

Great couples know how to make each other laugh. They don’t shirk the responsibilities of the world, but they also hold them in right perspective — as important but not all-encompassing.

Taking things too seriously can be caustic to a healthy relationship. It leads to holding on to grudges, high levels of stress, and an increased aptitude for grumpiness.

There’s a reason people say that laughter is the best medicine. Laughing with your partner creates a shared feeling of contentment and peace. It releases tension in every way. It’s like taking a bright yellow highlighter and marking over the best parts of your relationship and shared life together.

By prioritizing a good sense of humor, you can build joy in your relationship that will reap incredible rewards over time.

Mix and Match

The truth of staying in love is that there isn’t one formula that works for everyone. If there was, no one would ever break up or get divorced.

Staying in love requires your own personal concoction of these tips mixed with many other elements of what it looks like to be in a great relationship.

No matter where you are in the process, don’t take the easy way out. I hope you fall in love and have the time of your life. But more than that, I hope you stay in love long enough to realize that if you do it right, love only gets better.