5 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent Husbands
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash
Husbands aren’t characteristically known for their emotional intelligence. Over the past decades, we’ve raised a generation of men with models like Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin, crafting a narrative that's it’s funny to be a husband who is insensitive and hardly involved in raising his family.
The irony is that though we make light of these characters and their flaws, more men than we care to admit take their cues from these examples. What we laugh at we begin to unknowingly emulate.
It’s time to shift our expectations of what a good husband looks like.
For all the current husbands and future husbands, we don’t get a free pass from learning about or growing in our emotional intelligence. It’s not the role of the woman to be the emotionally intelligent and caring partner. Husbands are half of the equation and as such, have the responsibility to be involved in leading and loving their partner.
Just because you are married doesn't mean you deserve anything. You still have to work hard, put in the effort, and aim to grow personally in order to pursue a healthy relationship. Husbands, we need to take emotional intelligence seriously and seek to, over time, build habits that help strengthen our ability to care for our partners well.
1. Practice common courtesy
You would think this habit wouldn’t need to be written but it’s shocking how many husbands still miss the mark on practicing common courtesy.
Emotionally intelligent husbands know that chivalry is not dead, pursuit is not a word of a bygone era, and being kind and courteous doesn’t make you weak. It’s not like you have to be a saint. It’s just respecting your partner and valuing them as a human being.
Practicing common courtesy means that you speak to your partner with gentleness. That you don’t raise your voice or curse unnecessarily. You don’t belittle them in public, talk behind their back, or purposefully push on their insecurities.
A courteous husband isn’t demanding, but he actually says please and thank you like we were all taught as kindergarteners.
The standards for being a good husband are not that you aren’t abusive, an alcoholic, or an arrogant jerk. Those should be expectations we never question, not the bar for if we’re good or bad.
2. Listen on purpose
The majority of marriages would be improved overnight if husbands woke up tomorrow with an increased commitment to listen more.
It’s no secret that our society has become extremely distractable. Married couples spend 1/3 of their intentional time together watching TV. Add in the other responsibilities from work, kids, friendships, social events, and time for good conversation quickly dwindles.
Emotionally intelligent husbands know that their partners need to communicate with them, so they go out of their way to ensure that they create space for those conversations. Then they listen on purpose.
Stephen Covey said,
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Husbands, listening on purpose means tuning out distractions, watching for non-verbal communication (roughly 90% of communication), and not interrupting.
It means remembering what you and your partner talk about and placing value on their thoughts and opinions.
3. Invest in friendship
Being a husband means that your primary role to your partner is as a friend. Said another way: equals.
Emotionally intelligent husbands realize that getting married does not automatically make them a coach or a counselor. There really is no place for either activity in a healthy marriage.
Husbands are not the superior intellect nor are do they have a monopoly on wisdom and decision-making. A marriage does not thrive when one person looks at the other the way a high school math teacher looks at a 9th grader.
John Gottman, a relationship expert and professor at the University of Washington, said,
“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship and that friendship is the core of a strong marriage. A high quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor in romantic and physical satisfaction.”
Building friendship happens over time with intentional focus. Investing in friendship becomes a habit that emotionally husbands work on day-over-day.
4. Include yourself in the daily rhythms
Men have a tendency to drift towards isolation. It’s just who we are. It’s hard to get over the gene buried deep within us that pushes us to try to do everything on our own. We hate asking for help.
But time and experience have taught us that doing everything on our doesn’t lead to a healthy family. It leads to fractured roles and a faultline of superiority, mistrust, and overburdened couples.
Men also have a tendency to drift towards laziness at home. It’s easy after a long day of work to come home, drop our bag, and sit in front of the TV or computer. Somehow, the cooking gets done, the chores are managed, and the house seems to run with little to no investment from the husband.
Emotionally intelligent husbands know that they have a role in the daily rhythms of the home. Sure, they may stick to their strengths, but they are still involved. Invested. They aren’t checked out or mindlessly consuming. They contribute.
If you want to develop this habit, maybe you start with something small like committing to washing the dishes. You’ll be shocked how much this small task can shift the dynamic of your relationship and how much more involved you’ll feel in the rhythms of your marriage.
5. Pursue daily in small ways
If you want to be an emotionally healthy and intelligent husband, you’ll have to spend some time thinking about how to love your partner creatively.
It’s like men have been given a high school football playbook and then thrust into a head coaching job in the NFL. We know the basics that seem to be the universal signs of pursuit: flowers, chocolates, nice words.
You should still do those gestures. There’s a reason they are universally known.
But you have to be creative as well. Emotionally intelligent husbands develop the habit of loving specifically. They pursue their partner in little ways that they know will demonstrate genuine affection and intentionality.
One of the greatest areas of misunderstanding for new husbands is thinking that all acts of affection are physical. In fact, most aren’t. Physical touch is just one of the popular 5 Love Languages.
When it comes to pursuing your partner, don’t fall into the myth that marriage is the final destination or that pursuit only happens at the beginning of the relationship. The Gottman Institute writes:
“Take time to remember how your partner likes to feel loved — surprise them with flowers, or bring them coffee in bed in the morning. Take time to experiment and explore new ways you can flirt with them. It’s in these small moments of connection that our relationships flourish.”
Men used to be known and respected for the depth of their character. Being aloof or unintentional in your relationships was seen as a sign of disgrace, not a mark of manhood. It’s time to recast the vision for what a mature man looks like, what it means to be a great husband.
We’ve got all the resources we need right at our fingertips. We just need to take the first steps.
It won’t always come naturally. Showing our imperfections never is. But I believe you can make it and that more husbands can begin to practices their habits of emotional intelligence.