5 Years Of Marriage Advice In 60 Sentences
Photo by Dimitri Kuliuk from Pexels
Since my wife and I got married, McDonald’s has opened up all-day breakfast, Star Wars launched a new saga, and the United Kingdom officially left the European Union. There was a refugee crisis in Syria, the Zika Virus came and went, and a president of the United States was impeached.
Five years isn’t a long time in the scope of a 60-year marriage, but for someone who is dating or single, five years sounds like a long time being committed to one person.
I’ve loved the last five years. Looking back, marriage hasn't always been easy, but the best things in life rarely are. Having a good, healthy marriage takes hard work but the reward far outweighs any cost.
Before I got married, I read a dozen books and listened to even more podcasts trying to wrap my mind around what this new adventure would include and how I could best set myself up to be successful. It was consuming work and I know that not everyone will take that same path of study.
But people do have questions. Working closely with young adults, I’m often asked to share my thoughts on what marriage is really like. This advice is based on my marriage, and as such, is not perfect. But it is honest and I think that if I would have had a list like this before I got married, these last five years would have been a little bit easier. That’s my hope for you. Not to give an answer to every potential problem that may arise, but to provide some road-signs that can continue to guide you throughout your marriage.
So here is five years’ worth of marriage advice in 60 sentences.
Year 1
Newness is a great bandaid.
Just because something is hard doesn't mean it’s wrong.
Separation can create both isolation and strength.
Marriage doesn’t create intimacy, vulnerability does.
If you act like you can do everything on your own, that’s what you’ll get.
Listening in order to respond is a cheap form of listening.
Bedtime is rarely the right time for a hard discussion.
When possible, make friends together to avoid his friends and her friends.
You don’t have to be passionate about your partner's hobbies but you do have to appreciate them.
Traveling together is often harder than Instagram makes it look.
Unspoken expectations are dangerous.
Every anniversary is worth celebrating with joy and excitement.
Year 2
A five-minute break can de-escalate 90% of conflicts.
Good counseling can be a better financial investment than a 401K.
It is never okay to humiliate your partner in front of other people.
If you are not humble at home you will not be anywhere else.
When arguing, victory isn’t the goal — respect is.
Expensive things don’t proportionally create more happiness.
It is selfish to love your partner based on how you receive love.
You are not lazy for needing moments of rest and recovery.
No couple’s money situation is exactly the same so comparing the financial status of your marriage to your friends is misleading.
Odds are you aren’t saying sorry correctly.
Repeating new family traditions for the second time is almost just as good as starting the tradition.
If your first response to every problem is “here’s how we can fix it,” you won’t actually fix anything.
Year 3
You will never get less busy at work, so learning how to set professional boundaries is a great skill to develop early.
Find at least one activity that you can both participate in together that fills your souls.
Being in a bad mood doesn't make you a bad person.
Your vows are meant to be lived out, not just framed on your wall.
Take time to name the growth you see in your life as a result of your partner.
Having kids is never guaranteed so don’t hang the success of your marriage on your ability to get pregnant.
One bad friend can ruin a whole host of good friends.
Off-handed comments are sometimes the most truthful things you say.
Never take a good home-cooked meal for granted.
Generosity will give purpose to your marriage.
Dancing in the kitchen is overrated but romantically pursuing your partner is not.
Consistency can be helpful but monotony can be harmful.
Year 4
Serving your partner means thinking of yourself less, not thinking less of yourself.
The recipe for showing affection is consistent, small acts of kindness.
You are not entitled to a healthy relationship, you earn it every day.
It’s important to learn how to be concerned without worrying.
What you allow yourself to think about in private will greatly influence how you act publicly toward your partner.
Every couple wishes their friends initiated more.
Being gracious means extending compassion before the other person knows they need it.
If you hold yourself to a standard of perfection, your partner will feel like they have to do the same.
You do not fall out of love, you just stop learning how to try.
Physical intimacy is a days-long process of wooing your partner.
Value your partner’s advice more than your own; they likely know you better than you do.
Relational maturity is learning how to build healthy habits while simultaneously getting rid of bad habits.
Year 5
Your photos and videos of past memories will become some of your greatest treasures.
Your home should be a place of safety and shelter, not a place of competing to feel worthy.
Sharing your partner’s emotional pain is one of the greatest privileges of marriage.
Find ways to value and demonstrate the importance of your marriage, even if that means dressing up occasionally for a date night.
There will never be a time when you feel like you have enough money to be fully secure and established.
Writing your feelings can be a great way to process what may actually need to be said out loud.
You cannot be married to both your partner and your phone.
The more you keep track of the adventures you and your partner take, the more you’ll learn to define what an adventure actually is.
Sitting in silence together is very valuable.
Wisdom is knowing how to ask a great follow up question.
Being at peace is learning to not care so much about every little detail.
Time will only speed up so make an effort to learn how to create moments of slowness with your partner and keep them sacred.
If there is one piece of advice that summarizes this list above, it’s that a good marriage is made up of partners who are committed to never stop learning about each other. A healthy marriage is demonstrated by an active pursuit of one another. In your pursuit of your partner, you won’t always get it right. In fact, you’ll get it wrong more often than you get it right. But if you take the time to learn from your mistakes and your victories, you’ll end up with a great and beautiful marriage.