3 Words That Build A Happy Marriage

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

When my wife and I were dating, we waited 18 months before we said the words “I love you.”

I know that sounds old-fashioned in today’s culture, but we had decided early on that those words had power and that when we did say them, we wanted to make sure we meant them. We didn’t want to say them glibly.

We both only really wanted to say “I love you” if we felt pretty confident that we were going to marry the other person, so we waited until the timing was right.

“I love you” can be a powerful and important phrase. But it’s not the most important three words of your relationship or your marriage. “Falling out of love” is one of the most common reasons people get divorced.

Instead, there is another three-word phrase that often goes unspoken but you will not find a happy marriage that does not encompass these words. The phrase?

Specific committed effort.

That is the foundation of a happy marriage. If you take this phrase and make it the cornerstone of your relationship, you will see incredible benefits and a deeper, more intimate marriage.

Weddings are glorious but they are short. Most are done within a day or even a few hours. What is potentially one of the most life-changing events in your life can be completed within the time-frame it takes to watch one Lord Of The Rings Movie.

Marriages, on the other hand, are lasting. Although the general view of marriage has shifted over the past century (as seen by the fact that men and women are both getting married considerably later in life), most people still view marriage as a covenant or lasting commitment.

But as we’ve seen in any other area of our lives, things that last are things that are invested in. To make something great over a long period of time takes considerable work and intentionality.

That’s why the phrase “specific committed effort” is so important. This phrase is purposeful. It sees the challenge of making love last and it digs in, ready to get to work.

It is actions over words.

Those who embrace “specific committed effort” enjoy the benefits of their labor. Their relationship flourishes as both people grow individually and together. Let’s break it down to see how that happens.

Specific

There is a difference between loving someone and loving someone specifically.

We tend to draw our ideas of love from the movies we watch, the books we read, or the people we know. But every person is different and love isn’t a cookie-cutter type of activity. In fact, being a copycat not only won’t work but it also could come across as not genuine.

That means you have to do your homework. It means that you have to experiment and watch. You have to listen and notice the non-verbal cues your partner gives you.

Because here’s the catch with loving someone specifically. It doesn’t mean you love your partner how you want to love them. It means you love them how they feel loved.

That might mean that flowers don’t cut it. Or that chocolates aren’t the best touch. Diamonds may not be a girl’s best friend after all.

I’ve learned this in a hundred different ways over the last 8 years as I’ve dated my wife. When we first started dating, I wrote her a song. That was a bad idea. I used to go for the most expensive gift, not the most specific to her. I’ve learned serious conversations at bed-time aren’t going to get me anywhere. I’ve learned that she likes practical, helpful, and intentional gifts that come with no strings attached. And I’ve practiced how to do that.

Maybe your partner adores a hand-written sticky note on their car steering wheel before they go to work. Maybe they want a new pair of adventure gear over a new pair of shoes. Maybe they’d feel like a hundred bucks if you did all the household tasks one weekend.

If you want a happy relationship, you need to get specific.

Committed

Somehow, our society has shifted in recent years so that when it comes to relationships, we seem to view commitment as a chore. We much prefer being cavalier as we tend to associate a lack of restrictions as the foundation of freedom.

However, ask any happily married person and they would tell you that commitment actually creates freedom, not limitation.

When you hear people share their vows on their wedding days, what they are really saying is that they will be committed. That they will stay. That no matter the circumstance, in sickness or health, for better or worse, they are there.

Vows are big words and your specific committed effort is how you’ll go about giving credibility to your words.

Effort

This word is the hinge that holds the whole phrase together.

You can have specific commitment, but if you aren’t willing to put in the effort, you won’t see your relationship thrive to its full potential.

It sounds counterintuitive because we like the picture that love is meant to be easy. We like a view of love that is carefree, full of big smiles and loud laughs. But that’s not love, it’s glamour.

Most people don’t fall out of love. At least not really. Love requires work so if you stop working, it’s no surprise that you stop loving.

Making an effort means embracing vulnerability. It means taking a risk. Once you start trying, you’re open to failure. For most people, that’s scary. But it’s also the most beautiful aspect of love.

It’s easy to do the same thing over and over. Routine rarely costs you anything. Breaking through the “normal” is where the magic is.

My wife is a PICU nurse and this month was National Nurse’s Day. Instead of my usual of flowers and a nice card, I decided to switch things up and converted our great room into a modified version of a drive-in movie theater, When she got home, the kitchen was full of balloons and streamers and I had one of her favorite movies lined up, ready to play at our personal theater.

It was goofy but that’s what love looks like. Goofy examples of effort, of doing something different that puts you just a bit outside your comfort zone.

When you make an effort, you will not be perfect. There will be times that you will fail. But, there will also be moments when you get it right. And when that happens, you will know what love really looks like.

Vulnerable, selfless effort is the most beautiful expression of love within a relationship.

Try it out

The best relationships are the ones where both partners are committed to making the effort to specifically love one another. If you don’t buy it, try it.

Set aside one month to test these ideas. Take time to think about how your partner specifically likes to be loved. Make a commitment that for the next 30 days, you’re going to listen to, learn from, and love your partner every day. Then put forth the effort.

For me, my wife and I try to add some flair and variation to our marriage. Some months, we’ll read a book together that strengthens our marriage. Other months, we’ll plant a garden or take a trip or bake together. Next month, we’re hoping to take 30 days off from our TV to just focus on more intentional date nights and fun activities that don’t revolve around the TV.

Specific committed effort doesn’t have to be major. I have a reminder on my phone to text my wife something encouraging every morning at 8a. Think about what you could do next month that would be specific to your relationship, that would show your commitment and that would include you putting forth some effort.

It will be the best month of your relationship.