How To Quench The Quick, Unexpected Relationship Fires
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Relational fires — flames of anger, frustration, and pent-up feelings between two people in an otherwise loving relationship — can ignite out of nowhere, burn quickly, and leave destruction in their wake.
They are also, in large part, stoppable.
A relational fire is often the source of saying things you regret and it is the occasion when rolled eyes, deep sighs, and slammed doors seem to be fairly appropriate. Last weekend, for example, my wife and I were celebrating our anniversary and we slipped away from our normal rhythm for a few days to escape to a nearby beach. We had a great weekend, quality conversation, romantic walks on the beach. The whole package.
On Sunday, we were walking down the beach talking about dreams for our future. My wife shared something she thought could be fun for us to think more about in the days ahead and, for some unthinkable reason, I shot it down. Quickly and concisely.
That exact moment sparked a relational fire.
We went from enjoying a good walk on the beach to bickering back and forth, both of our feelings hurt (hers rightly so, mine not so much). It put us in a funk for the next hour.
If you’ve ever been in any serious relationship, you know what this feels like. You, like me, can likely pinpoint the exact moments that your relational fires start.
Thankfully, we had done some counseling early in our marriage and had learned how to quench these relational fires before they could get any bigger.
Because here’s the reality. There is no such thing as a small problem. Small problems are just big problems that haven't fully matured yet.
So if you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to learn how to quench these relational fires as they pop up.
I’ve learned that there is no avoiding them starting. That’s near impossible. What is possible, however, is stopping them long before they turn into big problems.
1. Starve the fire
All fires need oxygen to survive. It’s basic chemistry. Oxygen is in the air around us, so in theory, a fire once lit should be able to burn constantly.
And yet, we know that that’s not true. Fires don’t burn constantly because the flow of oxygen into a fire can be blocked. You can extinguish many fires by starving them of their most necessary fuel.
Similarly, many small relational fires can be starved if you are quick to cut off their primary source of fuel. In most cases, that means stopping the conversation before it continues to escalate.
The first step in properly addressing any relational fire is to have a conversation with your partner when there isn’t a fire raging. Find a moment of calm and ask each other, “What’s the most effective way for you to block feelings of anger and conflict when they arise?”
To be clear: blocking your feelings isn’t the same as suppressing. Starving the relational fire by pausing on the conversation isn’t the same as ignoring what you feel. It means that you are re-directing quick feelings and creating space to re-assess the situation.
For me, when a quick relational fire flares up, I know my natural tendency is to want to talk about it right away. That’s because I’m a classic fixer. But that tactic rarely helps.
I’ve learned that I need 5 minutes of quiet to starve the fire. If I can get a few moments of space, it’s much easier for me to regain perspective. Only then am I ready to readdress the conversation.
If you feel a relational fire stirring, step 1 is to pause and back away from the flames.
2. Soak the kindling
Sometimes you won’t be able to effectively block out all the oxygen. In that case, you need to be prepared to activate step 2, which is to soak the kindling.
Kindling is a small piece of wood or brush that is used to help get a fire started before you add on the big logs. In a relational, kindling is equivalent to those small digs or comments you make that you know will sting and hurt your partner.
One of the pieces of kindling I know will set my wife on fire is when I do this half-scoff, half-laugh when she says something that challenges what I think. It’s about as bad as you are imagining it sounding while reading these words.
Soaking the kindling is important because wet wood doesn’t burn well. Likewise, if you soak your relational kindling, you’re arguments are more likely to fizzle out faster.
There are a few main ways to soak your kindling. You don’t have to do all of these, just find one that works for you and put it into practice.
Resolve to never intentionally put down your partner (idealistic, but hard).
Pick three things you appreciate about your partner and say them in your head when a fire ignites (easy to forget, but calming).
Aim to not open your mouth until your partner closes theirs, for at least 10 seconds (practical, effective).
I like trying to put #3 into practice because I find that the more I interrupt my wife, the more I tend to misconstrue her point, assume her intentions, and put my foot in my mouth.
You may have another way to soak your kindling. That’s great. Find something that works for you, then make it a habit when these fires appear.
3. Snuff the coals
Lastly, when it comes to putting out a relational fire, you need to snuff the coals. This is the step that most couples fail to do and that ends up coming back to hurt them in the long-run.
If you’ve ever been camping or have sat around a bonfire until it burned down, you’ve likely heard two pieces of wisdom.
The coals are the hottest part of the fire
You need to put out the coals before you leave the fire for the night.
Because the coals are so hot, you want to be careful that they aren’t able to be blown around after you leave and risk catching something else on fire.
For most fires that you and I have been around, the coals die out after a few hours. The biggest danger in this analogy is assuming the same is true for relationships. It’s not.
The coals of a relational fire can last for days, sometimes even weeks. You can have an argument with your partner on a Monday afternoon and then get into another relational fire on Saturday that was actually sparked by the feelings leftover from Monday’s tussle.
It is incredible how long these relational coals linger and how few people actually do something about it.
People tend to think that if they aren’t actively fighting or arguing then the coals have gone away. That’s not the case. Instead, you have to be purposeful about snuffing out the coals. In this situation, that means you have to learn how to say sorry correctly.
A good apology consists of three things: specificity, empathy, and a lack of expectation.
You have to own your errors, understand the pain you caused, and you can’t assume that you either A) got the apology right or B) that everything will be better now that you said sorry.
Apologizing should lead to forgiveness, but forgiveness is hardly ever an instant action. Wounds take time to heal, no matter if they are real or perceived.
Take aways
Here’s the main take away: you’ll never completely eradicate the quick, unexpected fires. But you can prepare for them in order to stop their spread as quickly as possible.
Remember — starting fires is easy. Fighting fires is not.
There is no such thing as small problems. All small problems are big problems that haven't grown up and matured yet.
Fighting fires takes skill and bravery. It takes a willingness to step into proverbial danger and to be willing to ingest a little smoke and suffer some hot temperatures to rescue what you know is valuable — your relationship.