The Basic Rules of Good, Positive Dialogue

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Last week, I had a hard conversation with a friend. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on a few things and throughout the conversation, it became more clear that we fundamentally disagreed about a few ideas. We weren’t going to resolve our differences in that day or maybe ever.

But thirty minutes after we finished talking, that friend texted me and said, “thanks for the really good conversation. It meant a lot and I’m grateful for you.”

In a culture where disagreement can often fuel division and disappointment, his text went a long way in restoring my faith in the fact that there is a way to have good, hard dialogue that is respectful, honest, and open to other thoughts.

For many of us, we’ve had an increasing number of hard or emotional conversations over the last few weeks and months. The majority of these conversations have been necessary, even healthy to some extent. But that doesn’t make them any less difficult.

When having these conversations, I’ve found it helpful to remember a few core tenets of how to have a good, positive dialogue. By focusing on these characteristics, I’ve been able to hold my own opinions while still learning and from and listening to my friends.

Find Points of Agreement

Very few arguments or opinions disagree on every single level. You may believe in the importance of protecting the environment while your friend may not even own a recycling bin. That doesn’t mean that either of you is inherently right or wrong.

Each argument or discussion can be broken down into smaller elements or beliefs. And more often than not, if you are open-minded and are willing to put in the time and effort, you’ll end up finding that there are points that you actually agree with that are in your friend’s argument.

Finding points of agreement can be a good starting point because it can help to offset the tone of you vs. them. When you can find points of agreement, you begin to realize that the person you are talking to is somewhat like you. It can help soften your frustrations or disagreements.

Clarify Points of Disagreement

On the opposite side of the fence of finding points of agreement is clarifying points of disagreement.

It is possible to disagree with someone and still love them.

Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them a monster. Their opinion does not stamp them as being inherently wicked or bad. Opinions are beliefs that are open and able to be changed.

Clarifying points of disagreement can help both you and your friend isolate within your conversation the few sources of disagreement from the larger picture of who you both are as individuals.

That way, when you argue or discuss your opinions, you aren’t critiquing or condemning them as a person. You are disagreeing with that specific opinion.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Assumptions are always dangerous but never more so than in the middle of a hard or heated conversation.

There is no place in a good positive dialogue for assumptions. Even if you think you are capable of assuming the best in the person you are talking to, your assumptions are really your reflection of your past and present experiences of that person. And as we’ve already said, people change all the time.

If you find yourself making assumptions, try to push them out of your mind. The best course of action is to ask your friend to clarify what they mean or think about that certain topic or thought.

If you aren’t sure what assumptions you are operating off of, ask yourself, “did I hear my friend explicitly say this? Or is this thought or feeling coming from something that I am inferring about them or assuming without really knowing?”

Ask Lots of Questions

Curiosity is one of the greatest ways to show and practice humility within a conversation. It’s hard to hold so tightly to your own opinions when you are busy asking good and thoughtful questions.

There are a few caveats, of course. If you ask the same question over and over, it can come off like you aren’t really listening at all. If you ask demeaning questions, you don’t create good, positive dialogue, but you actually throw more logs on the fire.

Ask questions that show that you are open to hear what your friends have to say. Ask questions that show that you don’t assume you know the perfect answer. Ask questions that allow people to share what they have learned or why they believe the way that they do.

Define Terms Very Carefully

This is extremely important when having good, positive dialogue, especially in conversations over hard topics.

It’s unfortunately very common for two people to find themselves in hard conversation in large part because they are operating from two different definitions of the same term.

When you are using the same term in different ways, you are bound to miss each other in your attempts to discuss and learn from one another.

So before getting too far into a hard conversation, take time to identify the terms that could be problematic and make an effort to agree on a definition of that term you will both use.

In doing so, be careful that you don’t just by into your friend’s definition of certain terms or ideas. This is something worth treading lightly with because words matter, so if you aren’t able to adequately contribute to what the terms you are talking about truly mean, you may not need to be having the conversation at the time.

Keep Talking

I’ve had too many friends who have had a few hard conversations and are now backing off of talking about hard things. On some level, I get that. No one enjoys a hard conversation that ends poorly.

But on the other hand, having good, positive dialogue is so important for our families, our neighborhoods, cities, and our country at large. It’s critical that we continue to lean into methods that will allow us to speak well and listen intently.

There is a way to disagree and still be civil. It takes wisdom, humility, intentionality, and grace. But it can be done. And we need more of it.