Being in Lockdown Showed Me How Selfish I Can Be

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

“But that’s not what I expected.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that thought over the last three days working from home. I’m not exactly sure what I expected when we got the news that all non-essential members of staff were meant to work from home for the foreseeable future.

Like many of you, I didn’t just pull out my “work-from-home due to a pandemic,” roadmap and just start ticking off the checkboxes. But I’m realizing that just because I didn’t know fully what to expect, I still had baseline and underlying expectations about what these days would hold.

Over the last week, I’ve realized that while some of those expectations have been true, most of them have been wrong, or at least different from my original thoughts.

As someone who hasn’t spent a lot of time working from home in the past, this week has been interesting. I somehow feel both productive and lazy, both rested and exhausted, and like I need both more extroverted time and more introverted time. My mind is struggling to keep a grasp on what day it is and I’ve found myself being more short-tempered, quicker to get frustrated, and more sensitive.

I’ve felt like many pre-set expectations have been upended or exposed for what I’m quickly realizing is a bigger issue: my selfishness.

Here are some expectations, ultimately rooted in my selfishness, that have gone awry just in the last week.

• Expectation: A quiet house should lead to more concentration.
  Reality: Quietness can get really lonely, really fast.

• Expectation: My wife should be ready to socialize when she gets home because I’ve been by myself all day.
  Reality: It doesn’t really matter if I’ve been by myself, I still need to love my wife and understand that she is coming home from a 14-hour shift at the hospital.

• Expectation: I can copy my 9 am — 5 pm job from my work office to my home office.
  Reality: Very little translates exactly from my work office to my home office.

• Expectation: If I’m in the middle of a great writing groove, I should be able to finish my article.
  Reality: Sometimes this is the case, but just because I am working from home, doesn’t mean I get a free pass to make my writing the centre of my marriage.

• Expectation: I can now be the master of my own calendar.
  Reality: I still don’t have full control. Meetings get scheduled. Phone calls come in and problems come up that need to be dealt with.

• Expectation: I won’t hoard food.
  Reality: “Babe, let’s just cook half of the box of pasta and half the asparagus.”

• Expectation: I’ll have so much time to read and catch up on my books.
  Reality: I’ve barely cracked open a book.

• Expectation: My wife and I will spend so much great quality time together on her days off.
  Reality: Okay, you take that room, I’ll take this room. Let me know if you need me.

• Expectation: I’ll be the best example of social distancing.
  Reality: “Let’s walk up to McDonald’s to grab a drink and some fries.”

• Expectation: Working from home won’t make me tired.
  Reality: Why does my brain feel like mush and why do I feel so exhausted?

Over the last week, I’ve realized that my typical day on lockdown could be summed up in two words: unmet expectations. And I’m willing to bet I’m not alone.

At the core of my unmet expectations is my own selfishness. I want things to happen my way, on my schedule, in ways that benefit me. I don’t want added inconvenience, so even though things are clearly different all around, I still find myself expecting things to be the same as before.

As I’ve grown more aware of my selfishness, I’ve started to take what I think are appropriate steps towards helping filter and when needed, re-adjust my expectations. Here is what’s worked for me so far.

List My Expectations

I try to start my mornings off by journaling out some thoughts and prayers for the days. As I’m doing that, I’ve started adding the practice of jotting down some of my expectations for that day as well. Once I have a few expectations written down, I’ll go through each one and say, “I will be okay if this does not happen as I expect today” or some variation of that phrase.

Deep Breathing

When I find myself confronted with a misaligned expectation, I’ve been working on stopping, closing my eyes, and taking a few deep breaths. Usually, this practice can interrupt the instant reaction cycle that kicks in when I feel frustrated, out of balance, or insecure — all things that surface when an expectation is unmet.

Crystal-Clear Communication

This is tough because for my communication to be crystal-clear, I often have to overcommunicate. Which can feel pointless, wasteful, and silly. But as LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner says,

“When you are tired of saying it, people are just beginning to hear it.”

That includes the conversations you have with yourself.

Daily Reflection

I’ve learned that I can’t truly attempt to weed out my expectations if I am not diligent about reflecting on my day and thinking through the areas where my selfishness got the better of me. I cannot adjust that which I am not willing to admit.

If the rest of the world is any indication, we’re in this for the long haul. It is looking more and more likely that this season will turn into weeks of working from home and social distancing. While the future remains unclear, I do know that if I am going to have any shot of making the most of this time, I’m going to have to admit my own selfish tendencies and start readjusting my propensity for letting expectations rule my days.