What Does It Mean To Have Courage In A Relationship?

Photo by Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash

“Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I’ll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work.” — Brene Brown

There is a great depth of beauty in the moments we recognize our weaknesses and invite others into those elements of our story.

No man or no woman is perfect. We know that, and yet we spend considerable amounts of time and energy cultivating a narrative that says otherwise. The allure to fit in and be accepted overpowers our willingness to embrace the messy and, at times, strenuous work of being vulnerable and growing through our weaknesses.

Said another way, we all could benefit from a boost of courage.

Merriam-Webster defines courage as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

Based on this, I see a few key discrepancies to note from the way courage is viewed in our culture. True courage is not connected with the heroic nor is it associated with success. You may have been married for 40 years and never demonstrated courage.

Courage is also not reckless or unintentional. Courage does not suffer the character of fools and it is not to be found among those who give little effort and rely on natural or internal tendencies.

Courage is purposed pursuit. It is the specific willingness to steel your mind in order to try something difficult, knowing that the outcome is uncertain, and yet still being willing to continue on your journey in hope of a greater tomorrow.

Courage is a perseverant vulnerability. It withstands the inner critic, the selfish voice who’s alarm tries to alert you that, by acting courageously, you are putting yourself unnecessarily at risk.

Your sense of self-preservation will try to convince you that courage is dangerous. It is misinformed.

The greatest danger you could ever encounter is a life devoid of courage, a life that is unwilling or worse, unwanting, to venture into vulnerability and emerge changed for the better.

We need more men who know the value of true courage. We need more women who celebrate those expressions of true courage. Our society needs it. More personally, for you and me, our relationships need it.

Courage for Men

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.” — Theodore Roosevelt

Historically, men have warped the idea of courage and bent it towards accomplishment and valor. Growing up, we teach young boys to slay dragons and rescue princesses, building imaginative realms where the act of courage is met with a prize — a trophy, either tangible or perceived.

It is not a strange leap then to realize that as these same young boys mature and grow into men, they carry with them an ideology and definition of courage that is rooted in heroism and is driven by reward.

Sound like any men you know?

As such, grown men are primed to adopt a working definition of courage that says, “If I can fix it in my own strength, I will win.”

But that isn’t what true courage means in a real relationship.

As Theodore Roosevelt said, courage is the onward movement even you have no strength. Even in your weakness. However, in a culture that tends to link courage with strength, weakness is seen as something to be eliminated and not embraced.

As a result, many men are taught that being strong is synonymous with suppressed emotions and non-existent vulnerability. It is not.

True strength is the willingness to associate courage with weakness. It is understanding that even when there is no strength left, what you are is enough and that you are worth loving.

That is a manly view of courage.

For me, this means I have to be willing to value my wife’s input, to appreciate her emotions, and to realize that I am not the hero of my marriage. I am an equal participant, just as much in need of the advice I am prone to want to give.

If men want to experience maturity and grow in real relationships, we must be willing to drop the savior complex. We are not fixers. As much as our younger imaginations may try to disagree, courage does not come from conquering kingdoms. It comes from conquering ourselves.

Courage for Women

“Being brave is not being unafraid but feeling the fear and doing it anyway. … When you feel fear, try using it as a signal that something really important is about to happen.” — Gloria Steinem

More recently, there has been a more intentional focus on the way women demonstrate courage as they are breaking through antiquated societal and cultural norms on their journey to change the world.

We need more examples of that courage and that type of work is far from over.

However, when it comes to relationships, we need to see an increase not only in this, but in other forms of courage as well.

As Brene Brown says above, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is.

Women have always been the point of the spear when it comes to emotional intelligence and maturity. With such power comes the responsibility to avoid the trappings of manipulation while leading men into a deeper and richer level of vulnerability.

When strong, independent women are willing to be courageous and celebrate the act of vulnerability in their partners, they create relationships full of hope, belief, and value in the character of their partners, not in their accomplishments.

Women have been fighting to even be heard and properly-recognized for so long that the act of listening and encouraging can feel daunting.

We’ve been working for years to change the narrative that women aren’t just princesses in need of rescuing. While this is true, this idea can also be warped into a mindset that attributes courage with the accumulation of power and independence.

For women, it takes true courage to realize that giving dignity to your partner is not a sign of your diminished position in the relationship. Sitting with someone in their vulnerability doesn’t put you below them. Selfless love is not weakness.

As I’ve worked to be better about sharing my emotions, my wife has been patient, helpful, and gracious. She often reminds me that progress is better than perfection. Because of her courage, she has become the safest place I have ever known.

This love is actually the strongest force you can offer. In relationships, this love creates safety, fuels friendship rooted in equality and respect, and anchors hope for tomorrow in something that outlasts any circumstances. That is true courage.

The realm of self-sacrifice

At the end of the day, courage is our willingness to try and keep trying, even though it may feel costly or against our own personal interests.

Ultimately, courage is rooted in selflessness. Courage overtakes our tendency to self-focus and moves into the realm of self-sacrifice.

Courage takes work but it is always worth it. True courage unlocks new depths, stabilizes new levels of vulnerability, and ignites new respect and gratitude.

Will you be courageous enough to make courage a priority in your relationship?