7 Fictional Men You Wouldn’t Want To Settle Down With
Dating in today’s society can be hard, puzzling, and just downright weird. What app do you use, how much do you share about yourself online, who do you decide to meet up with in person?
I have a lot of friends who are currently right in the middle of the stormy tempest we now call dating. From where I sit, it seems like there is more strategy that goes into dating than there was for all of the allied invasions of Normandy during World War II.
It’s intense.
One of the biggest things that my friends constantly discuss is how dating has become pretty awkward, and yet at the same time, so many of the movies and the books still seem to paint a different picture.
The Hollywood scene seems to, in large, communicate that dating is easy, that the perfect guy or the perfect girl is right around the corner waiting to bump into you with their coffee in hand and that big wide smile that instantly knocks you off your feet and into happily ever after.
Many of us grew up romantically idolizing these fictional stories and characters. We had conversations around the high school cafeteria tables about which celebrities we thought were hot. As we grew older, the settings changed, but the conversations remained fairly similar.
When real dating can be so hard, it’s easy to fantasize about these fictional characters and stories. We’ve all thought at some point, “If only someone would come and love me like Mr. Darcy loves Elizabeth Bennett or like Ryan Gosling loves Rachel McAdams, my life would be so much better.”
The other day, a close friend and I were talking about this and I asked him, “If you could date any fictional character, who would it be?”
It sparked a fun conversation. We went back and forth breaking down the merits of dating fictional characters and you know what I realized? Fictional characters aren’t all they’re made out to be either.
Fictional characters, and especially many fictional male characters, wouldn't make for great dates and definitely shouldn't be the basis for building your ideal boyfriend.
If you actually played it out in your mind, dating some of these fictional men would be a disaster. Ladies swoon over Chris Hemsworth as Thor, but come on, dating a guy who solo travels to like different galaxies and worlds for work isn’t a great characteristic to start a long-term relationship on.
If you’re still not convinced, I’ve picked 7 fictional characters and spelled out why they wouldn’t make great long-term boyfriend material. I haven’t personally gone on a date with any of these guys, but I think I’ve got a pretty good pulse on the kind of boyfriends they’d make.
Let’s start with a smashing example — a kind, hard-working, incredibly smart Doctor who just so happens to have some serious, serious anger issues.
Dr. Bruce Banner
You wished upon a lucky star, and your wish was heard. You were sitting in your car, in the parking lot of a local grocery store on a late July evening, when you opened your dating app. “Just to explore,” you said.
After a few duds, you come across a guy you find attractive. You click on his picture and go to his profile. You find out he’s a scientist. In fact, he’s got his Doctorate from the Berkeley Nuclear Institute of Biotechnology. Your smile widens a bit. This guy is both cute and smart. You keep reading.
Likes to travel. Check. Does humanitarian work in third-world countries in his free time. Bonus points.
You’re feeling pretty good about this guy. You start to envision what the first date could look like, what type of home you might go on to buy together, what age is too late to put your first kid into piano lessons.
You come back to the moment and you go to swipe right, repeating his name in your mind over and over like a middle-school girl writing down the name of her crush a thousand times in a dilapidated notebook.
Bruce Banner. The alliteration makes it sound even sexier.
A few minutes later, you hear the chime and see that Bruce has swiped back. You’re a match. Your heart instantly rises like an elevator to the top of the Empire State Building.
A week later, you meet Bruce at a local eatery. You both dressed up, clearly trying to impress the other by passing over the usual jeans and a cardigan for that outfit you break out twice a year.
He orders a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon. Quality taste for a quality guy. The conversation is easy. Light. Bruce raises his glass to his lips when someone bumps the table, causing him to spill red wine all over his white linen blazer. Ouch. Even worse, the offendant doesn’t apologize, but turns around and tells Bruce to mind his own business.
You bemoan the moment, showing Bruce your sympathy when you see his eyes flash towards the careless individual who just walked past. You see Bruce’s eyes turn from that soft brown color you’ve already fallen in love with to a hazy shade of green. It’s discomforting, but not as much as when you hear what sounds like cloth material starting to rip.
Before you can even say “gamma radiation,” your date starts to transform before your eyes. The once charming Bruce Banner now stands 8 feet tall and is bulging with green muscles.
He looks at you with no recognition in his eyes. He’s angry. You don’t like this side of him.
As he picks up the nearest table over his head, you know the date is clearly over. As is any chance of settling down with Bruce.
Bruce Wayne
No, I don’t have a thing against guys named Bruce. It just so happens that the CEO and leader of the filthy rich Wayne Enterprises is named Bruce and is also a guy you don’t want to settle down with.
Bruce Wayne, a.k.a Batman, has a massive hero complex. He doesn’t have any superpowers. He just has a ton of money, a lot of fancy hi-tech toys, and an overinflated ego.
The savior of Gotham City? No thank you.
Sure, the first date in the Batmobile would probably be fun. But after 6 months, he’s still going to be disappearing in the middle of the night, getting beat up by gangsters and villains in the sketchiest parts of the city.
Don’t buy into the cape. Ditch the Batman.
Gaston
You might see this name come across your dating app, paired with a man with bulging muscles posing in his Patagonia outfit in front of a mountain he claims he just got done climbing.
Sporty and french? Checkmate.
But be warned. Gaston is a hunter and not just of rare and exotic animals, but also of the hearts of the many ladies he woos. You might have fun on the first date, but Gaston is the kind of guy who expects you to always initiate contact and who will want his dinner ready by 6p sharp when he comes through the door.
Turns out, Gaston doesn’t really appreciate you, doesn’t value your uniqueness and your quick wit. He’s a trophy collector, and he’s already got a place on his shelf picked out for you.
If I were you, I’d pass on that mountain man as quickly as possible.
Edmund Dantes
Another Frenchman and cultured suitor. His dating profile says he’s a Count, but you couldn't point out Monte Cristo on a map if you had a hundred guesses. It sounds like it would be neighbors with similarly exotic and mysterious places like Monaco and Luxembourg.
Let’s say you swipe right, you go for a few dates. Things seem to be trending up until Edmund lets slip that he did 14 years in what sounds like a French prison.
The more you get to know him, the more you begin to see that he’s really focused on one thing and one thing only: vengeance. There’s no room for you in a heart that is consumed with revenge.
Save yourself the wasted effort and pass on Edmund Dantes before he adds you to his list of people who hurt him.
Willard Wonka
Willard is the kind of guy whose bio on his dating profile says, “Name’s Willard but call me Willy” with a winking emoji. Right below that, it says, “candymaker,” which should be your second clue prompting you to swipe left.
But let’s say you swipe right. This is the year of taking risks and trying new things. You meet up with Willard a few times and you’re impressed with his ingenuity, his passion for his work, and his success.
But the longer you’re together, the more you begin to see the signs of a tortured genius. Willard constantly rambles about a guy named Slugworth who you’re pretty sure is a figment of his imagination.
Willard is always making weird concoctions from everything in your pantry and fridge and you’re not sure how much more your stomach can take.
Save yourself the inevitable hospital bills and don’t go the distance with Willy.
Jay Gatsby
Fast cars. Amazing parties. Sounds like the perfect date, right? When you meet Jay, he affectionately calls you Old Sport, and it kind of makes your skin crawl but you go with it.
Jay seems to run the world, but he also seems really private and like he’s always holding back a deep secret or two. You shrug it off, thinking that he just needs time, but after a few months, he’s the same superficial man you originally met.
He hasn’t opened up. In fact, he’s become more private, more sneaky.
You don’t want to settle down with Jay Gatsby, no matter how good the parties may be.
Draco Malfoy
I know what you’re thinking: you are going to be the one who can fix Draco. He is just misunderstood. You see a completely different side of him that no one else sees.
His profile says, “former bad boy moving back towards the light.” But don’t buy it.
He has a tattoo that shows that he’s part of a group of people called “Death Eaters.” If that’s not enough, I don’t know how else to convince you not to date this guy.
Sure, he comes from an important family. But he’s not a kind person. In his case, the cons far outweigh the pros. Swipe left and say goodbye to Draco.
Not all that glitters is gold
When we overhype the fictional, we overlook the real beauty that can be found in the regular. There are a lot of really amazing, non-superhero guys out there. That doesn’t mean that they are easy to find, nor does it mean that you have to have low standards.
Fairytale romances aren’t replications of fictional fantasies. Instead, they are usually built over long periods of time by regular people who do regular things to communicate love and affection and respect to one another.
If you’re in the market for a new beau, I bet there’s a normal guy out there who could end up making you really, really happy. After all, I don’t think you’d actually want to settle down with any of these fictional characters above.