6 Things Holding You Back From Relationship Maturity
Relationships can be daunting because while we want them to be fun and whimsical, they often end up being a mirror that highlights our areas of needed improvement and concern.
I’ve worked hard to maintain a rich and committed relationship by choosing to practice an intentional and purposed pursuit of my wife. I’ve learned the value of a mature relationship, the kind where you love someone for who they are and you receive that love back.
But part of learning to see the value of relationships is facing some of the stumbling blocks that, if left unaddressed, can keep any one of us from experiencing that sense of love, intimacy, and connection. We all have these stumbling blocks, these scars we’re working through.
And yet, there is a difference between something that trips you up and something that blows up your whole relationship.
If you are looking for relationship maturity, there are some major potholes you’ll want to evaluate and, if possible, work to either avoid or address in your own life. If unchecked, any one of these six things can take over your relationship.
1. Unspoken expectations
What are often not verbalized, hard to change, and the root cause of most of your disappointment and frustration? Your expectations.
Everyone in a relationship has expectations. Scratch that — every human being on planet earth has expectations.
In order to have relationship maturity, you have to realize that the goal isn’t to eliminate expectations completely. Rather, the goal is to learn how to control your expectations so they don’t end up blowing up in your face.
To control your expectations, you need to voice them. Most things sound better in our heads than they are in reality.
When we speak our expectations out, we give ourselves the opportunity to evaluate the merit and necessity of those expectations.
It gives us a chance to let our partner know where we’re at, mentally, physically, emotionally. It also opens up a door to our deeper emotions, our fears, hopes, and desires.
As Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W. says, if you hope to have relationship maturity, you should not only clearly state your expectations, but you should also move towards being comfortable making decisions that are independent of your partner’s validation.
I’m a huge planner. I make hour-by-hour plans for my off days. I need to work especially hard at not letting this landmine blow up my marriage.
That’s why I’m constantly trying to practice Dr. Taibbi’s advice: either clearly sharing my expectations upfront or working to be more comfortable making my own decisions without the constant need for validation.
2. A negative self-image
“I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt. — Maya Angelou
Our self-image is made up of many things — our past, our pains, and our perceived circumstances.
We craft our image based on the praise or lack of praise of people closest to us, on the ways we’ve been hurt or on the moments of success we’ve experienced growing up. We hold on to words, to feelings, and we look for validations and affirmations that seem to confirm who we believe we are.
Even though our self-image is a composite of so many areas of our lives, we tend to internalize negative feedback more than the positives.
Our self-image is often like trust. It takes a long-time to build, but it only takes a moment to break.
If you have a very negative self-image, it will be hard for you to reach relationship maturity, mainly because your negative self-image will likely lead you to latch on to your partner in ways that are unhealthy.
As Dr. Kathyrn Keegan reviewed, “Research shows that self-esteem can influence your relationship satisfaction just as much as it affects your partner’s. When you feel bad about yourself, your insecurities can start to creep in to the way you act with your significant other — and that can have a negative impact on both of you.”
Relationships with this dynamic are rarely mature because no one person was meant to carry the full weight of another self-image.
3. Unwillingness to trust
There is a depth in every relationship that is reserved only for those who are willing to break through the barrier of vulnerability.
In order to do that, you need to trust that your partner will value your vulnerability and respect your emotions and feelings.
Putting yourself out there is scary. Many of you have been hurt in the past for doing just that. People haven’t respected your heart and haven’t treated you with kindness and gentleness.
These pain points are real. Trust issues lead to negative beliefs, as well as increased levels of anxiety and stress. A person with trust issues often spends more time building barriers that block feelings of pain, rejection, and even love.
But if you let those experiences block you from participating in vulnerability, if you are unwilling to trust your partner, you will be hard-pressed to reach a level of authentic relationship maturity.
4. Proclivity for comparison
“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” — Shannon Alder
You cannot focus on growing your relationship into maturity if you are always focused on what others are doing, saying, or thinking.
We have created various tools in our society which are comparison magnets. Most forms of social media are hinged on the feeling of comparison and exclusivity. Many forms of advertisement are similarly rooted.
Relationship maturity means learning to best value what is right in front of you. You can waste so much of your life and your relationship pining for something you may or may not ever get.
My wife and I combat comparison in our relationship in a few ways. Every few months, we take a hiatus from social media. No one really needs us on Instagram so we just delete the app for a month and let our hearts recenter on the blessings we do have.
We also have a shared Evernote list that we call “Our Adventures.” We track things that make us come alive, like trips we’ve taken, states we’ve been to, musicals we’ve seen, the traditions we’ve started.
When we are feeling super tempted to compare and judge our relationship as lacking, we turn to that list. It reminds us that we have a really great life, and it helps us be grateful.
5. Refusal to listen
Because we’re not perfect and we are prone to make mistakes and goof up, it is crucial that we are willing to listen to others. Especially to those who are closest to us.
If you refuse to listen to your partner, you will eventually end up heading in different directions. It’s like driving in a new city and refusing to heed the instructions on your GPS. You’ll likely end up in a completely different destination than you intended.
Refusing to listen isn’t the same thing as being unwilling to argue. All couples argue. As Glamour writes, “arguing can even help improve your relationship and help you establish better communication skills.”
But good arguing involves good listening. And good listening is more than just not interrupting.
Listening isn’t just about hearing. It’s about admitting that there is more to the story than just your side. It’s giving credit to new ideas, even when they challenge your way of living.
The best way to prove you are listening is by implementing another’s advice.
If you won’t listen, your partner doesn’t have a voice that reaches to your heart or your head. Without that connection, you’re destined to stay in relationship immaturity.
6. Resistance to be courageous
If you are going to address any of these previous five landmines, you’re going to need one thing: courage.
Facing your imperfections is hard and tedious work. We want to be able to snap our fingers and just wish away the hard parts of growing up and becoming mature, but it never works like that.
It’s more like driving across the country. It’s long, often monotonous, and exhausting.
Without courage, you’ll be hard-pressed to ever experience true maturity with your partner. Courage is the willingness to take on some risk in order to experience a greater reward.
Don’t drag your partner into a relationship if you aren’t willing to be courageous. It won’t end well for either of you.
Maturity is not a badge you earn
Most couples view maturity as a tier to reach or a badge to earn. Much like the girl scouts.
But true maturity isn’t a level, it’s a commitment. No one has each or even one of these six landmines completely figured out. Where you start in your relationship is rarely where you end. Time invites new challenges and new circumstances into each of our lives.
Therefore, if you want to truly experience relationship maturity, you must address these six potholes and do it consistently. Without that commitment, you’ll wake up one day and realize that while you were sleeping, one of these tensions snuck past your defenses and got into your relationship.
If you stay on guard, you’ll learn to love the way the ways relationship maturity adds value and depth to your life.