6 Qualities You Learn to Appreciate The Longer You’re In A Relationship
Have you ever had a gobstopper? Or maybe another type of jawbreaker candies?
Being in a great relationship is like one of those candies. You can’t just eat the whole thing in one bite. You have to be patient. You have to apply constant pressure, and if you do, you’ll uncover layer upon layer of sweet goodness.
I’ve been married for 5 years but dating my wife for the majority of the last decade. There are things that I loved about her when we first met. She was outgoing, the right kind of goofy and spontaneous. She saw the good in every person she met and she was uncommonly kind.
I still love those things about her. But I’ve also come to see new and beautiful layers to who she is. I’ve come to appreciate her selflessness, her bravery in the face of great trial, and her peaceful demeanor.
The longer you’re in a good relationship, the more you come to learn what qualities are really important in the long-run.
Every couple will have a few qualities that are more specific to their relationship. But in general, there are a handful of core qualities that become increasingly more appreciated the longer you’re in a relationship.
Shrugging off the small things
Maturity looks a lot like an old and very used rubberband. The more you age, the less you are prone to snapback.
The longer you date someone, the more you come to appreciate the rounded edges. Odds are when you start a relationship, you both come in with some sharp corners. Maybe some jagged ends.
The beginning months and years are mostly about figuring out how your sharp edges conflict with each other.
Over time, you start to realize that being in a great relationship is about learning how to take a punch without having to throw one back. It’s about not reading into every slight, or dwelling too much on every wound.
The longer you’re around someone, the more stupid things you’ll do. Not to mention that life just loves to throw the occasional curveball into the mix as well.
The ability to shrug off the small things, the stupid things is invaluable in the long run.
Easiness
Life can be heavy. There are a lot of circumstances out there that can add weight to your shoulders, and before you know it, you’re carrying way more than you ever intended.
The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you come to realize the value of dating someone who makes your life easy. It’s a unique skill and it’s not the same thing as making your life lazy, less complicated, or even stress-free.
It just means that when you’re with your SO, you don’t have to put on any airs. You don’t have to always earn your keep. You are allowed to be yourself and you can be fully comfortable with who you are.
This is one of the many reasons I love my wife. She is easy to be around. She is a great listener and she is rarely rushed. You would be hard-pressed to find a situation where she wouldn't stop what she’s doing just to sit and be with you.
Her patience and peace help carry more of my world than she’ll ever know, but she never does it for applause or recognition. She is supremely skilled in the art of being easy and comfortable to be around.
Flirting
The success or failure of a relationship often comes down to the effort you put into it. If you commit to specific effort offer time, you’ll increase your odds of heading in the right direction.
The longer you date someone, the more you start to appreciate the idea of pursuit. It doesn’t have to always be grand gestures like a trip to Paris or a fancy piece of jewelry. In fact, pursuing your partner can look as simple as making an effort to continue to flirt with them.
Flirting is fun. When you meet someone new, it’s easy to get caught up in the unknown and the mystery of it all. The attempts to woo and impress the other person can be intoxicating and delightful.
But too often, we relegate flirting to the beginning of a relationship. The longer that you date someone, the less mystery there is. Without that need to impress or discover, it’s tempting to start putting in less effort.
But look at all great and long-lasting relationships, the couple always knows how to flirt with each other.
That’s why young kids look at their grandparents who have been married for 60 years and yell “ewwwww.” Because they’re still flirting with each other. And they’re still in love.
Acknowledging but not always validating feelings
Feelings are important and relevant. But not all feelings are truthful.
There is a very real and very fine balance to those two statements. It’s hard to make someone feel like their feelings are valid without endorsing everything that person feels.
The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you’ll learn about your partner’s strengths and their insecurities. I’ve come to find that insecurities are often rooted in small bits of truth and large amounts of irrational and unhealthy beliefs. They are hard to dig up and even harder to separate from our feelings.
I recently wrote a letter to my wife where I said, “Thank you for never once making me feel stupid for having feelings. You haven’t always indulged all of my feelings, but you’ve never rejected them as dumb or irrelevant.”
As your relationship progresses, you’ll come to see the increased value of being with someone who doesn’t say “stop having those feelings.” You want to be dating someone who is able to make you feel heard while still guiding you towards the truth.
Humor
There is such a thing as being naturally funny. You’ve met the person that can read the instruction manual for your vacuum cleaner and somehow make you laugh. I am not that person, so I’ve had to be more intentional about working to add humor to my relationship. And that’s okay.
I am a firm believer that everyone can be funny in their own way. After all, the biggest component of humor, especially in your relationship, is specificity. It doesn’t matter if you would bomb on stage at an open-mic comedy night. If you can make your partner laugh, that’s the whole goal.
Humor comes in all shapes and sizes. It’s the glance across the dinner table when Uncle Bill tells that old story you’ve heard a hundred times. It’s the way you ate that pizza like a T-Rex while sitting on the porch. It’s the seemingly insignificant but all-too-important nuances of your relationship.
Humor is vulnerability and comfortability. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you learn to appreciate humor because it’s so much more than a laugh. It’s the feeling of being known and still being accepted for who you are.
Loyalty
In a world obsessed with novelty, being loyal is a gem of a quality.
Being loyal means never speaking poorly about your partner in public. It means that although you know the dirt, you choose not to drag that person through the mud, even if the opportunity seems too good to pass up.
Loyalty means choosing your partner day after day, even during the moments you feel like they don’t deserve it. Especially during those moments.
The longer you date someone, the more you come to appreciate that your partner has your back. You don’t want to be wondering if they will show up when you need them. You want to know.
That sense of confidence is worth its weight in gold, and it only increases in value the longer you are with someone.
A fine wine
The longer you are in a relationship, the more you come to appreciate the little nuances of your relationship. Over time, you learn how to sift out the sediment in order to be left with the bits of gold.
Being in a lasting relationship is like a fine wine, it only gets better with time.
Over the last decade, I’ve watched my wife continue to mature beautifully. My gratitude has grown as I’ve seen her adjust to new circumstances and embrace challenges while still making a point to love me and others around her with intentionality and kindness.
If love really does get better with time, I’m excited to see what the next decades hold.